I'm in a committed long term relationship. Been with my boyfriend for 2.5 years.. About 6 months ago we hit a rough patch. We started to settle into our relationship, didn't see each other everyday / not as much. We got comfortable. We have a strong relationship with great communication....

One day he casually mentions that an old friend was feeling down and he would chat to her randomly on instant message. She had lots of issues with men and he would act as a "big brother" type and assure her that it will all work out. This is the first time I ever heard of her, and never met her. He casually mentions having coffee with her but I kinda laughed it off and forgot about it.

Few days later I see on his phone a instant message chat that he did in fact have drinks with her and a few of her friends. I didn't know about, and his conversation with her went something along the lines as I had a lot of fun, we should do it again.. That guys a jerk, you deserve better type.. You'll meet someone don't worry your a great girl... I'd even date you... I was fuming mad! I confronted him then and there!

I pretty much told him I'm done, he got all defensive and then started to apologize how he can see how it looks bad from my perspective. But he reassured me that it's just a friend and that he felt bad and tried to offer his support. Hours after talking about it, I told him I want to know everything that happened, and if he was looking for a way out of our relationship this is the "door" so to speak. He kept on telling me he loved me, and I'm the only one for him, and he wants to spend the rest of his life with me... I told him I don't feel comfortable with her on his list, and to delete her.. He did.. A few months later she calls him with me sitting there and he ignored the call. That created tension between us that night, and the next day he changed his number.

My question is, to this very day I get feelings of insecurity, and anger towards this major problem we have had in our relationship. He doesn't like talking about it, but I'm still bothered by it.. How can I reassure myself and get over this?

I know relationships come down to trust, but I'm so afraid of getting burned.. Who knows if that's all that has happened.. He doesn't have many female friends, and I know he's a people pleaser, somewhat pushover. I'm just bothered!


Hi Monicaboxer - this is a difficult situation with 2 sides where I'll be honest. I know the feeling of jealousy where you're tempted to start looking for things - I don't know if this is womens instinct or what. What makes this difficult is this is an 'old friend' - she was friends with him before he met you. You also looked at his phone and snooped around, which I admit have snooped myself in other ways, so I'm not taking the angel stance lol. This is betraying his trust too unfortunately. It doesn't sound like this has gone further.

I can understand why you would feel threatened with the way he's trying to boost her confidence. Honestly women like this shouldn't pick attached guys to boost their confidence. As you said he's a people pleaser so he needs to recognize how this makes him a sitting duck but he's also getting something out of this interaction. It makes him feel needed and important...he also may have a hard time saying no. IMO if a couple is in a committed relationship they shouldn't be stroking other people's egos. If he wants to be friends then he should introduce you and go out in groups. Trust is important - has he mentioned how he felt about you looking at his chats? I hope you both can move on.

I agree with Bella about him introducing you to his "friend", and all of you going out in groups. That's a great compromise. What bothers me is the fact that he met her and her friends for drinks without your knowledge. It is good that he deleted her information from his phone, however, it's very easy to get it back or to memorize a phone number and delete new chats or info as you go. You deserve to be angry and watchful. If it were me, I'd continue to watch his phone, activities, etc. until I was satisfied that their relationship was truly a friendship or had subsided completely. If it comes down to you feeling the need to send him packing, by all means DO IT! You'll feel better about yourself and give yourself a big dose of self-respect. You never know. He very well may be your "forever man". It's perfectly acceptable to protect yourself. Just don't let it drive you crazy. No one is worth that. Good luck! I'll be routing for you. : )