i am a twenty year old girl married to a twenty six year old man. our relationship started when i was a teenager and we have been married for the past three years. recently, we have been fighting and my husband has conveyed to me that he is tired of our relationship. he is tired of the fact that he pays all the bills, does the dishes, and is basically the responsible one. i try to help with these things but am sometimes lazy and for the most part disorganized. the point being, i try to do everything right but it's never the best or enough. i always feel like the way he asks or suggests things to me are criticisms, and i am forever (mentally) bashing myself in the head for not being, well, perfect. my realization that, hey, nobody's perfect, only drives me to more depressed feelings. some days i am so happy and wonderful and excited to be living and married and i thank God for my beautiful life.... and then literally within minutes, or one day, i don't give a sh*t about anything and feelings of worthlessness and anxiety surround me.

i also am afraid that i have some kind of separation anxiety because when we are apart from each other, i feel the constant need to text him or call him and let him know what i'm doing, where i'm going, etc. he says he believes that i have mental issues stemming from my severely overprotective and BP mother. i feel like a terrible wife, and i want to do right by my husband and be what i have to be but it seems like no matter how hard i try, he's still upset with me. i have nothing in my life besides my job and my husband,no friends and no goals or aspirations, and i am on and off depressed for days and weeks at a time. all i really want to do is motivate myself to be the perfect wife for my husband, but i can never reach that point. today is an especially bad day, and although i write furiously and often, the feeling of uselessness is always there. i feel like i'm sitting in a dead end. if we end up getting divorced, there is nothing for me except to go back to my mother's and be a stupid kid again. i can't even wake up most mornings because i am so disgusted with myself. my husband hates how self-depricating i am, yet i can't even motivate myself to see a therapist or consider medacation. i spend 24 hours a day worrying about doing the right thing, and i end up wrong every time. my life is falling to pieces and i'm not sure where to go from here.


Answers




Hi

have you had a check up from your doctor recently? if possible that is always a good place to start. be honest with the doctor just as you have been here with us. Also tell your doctor that your mother has bipolar as that is an important part of your medical history that they need to know about

It is hard to say if your husband is being too demanding as we are hearing only your take on things...but the fact that you acknowledge that you need help and that something may be wrong is a very important first step

do you think your husband may be willing to agree to go to counseling with you so that the two of you can try to resolve some of these issues in neutral territory?

I hope you manage to work things out





I agree your sadness might be depression or it might be circumstantial. I'm suspecting you went from a controlling relationship with your mom, to an equally controlling relationship with your husband. When you were younger and 1st met, did you feel he kind of rescued you, from life with your mom? Often people subconsciously pick partners with similar qualities to their parents. as your mom been diagnosed as bipolar?? I also sense you don't have enough interest outside the marriage - time spent alone or with friends. If you both work, you should both be willing to help out at home - sit down and agree on responsibilities.

I don't recommend having children until you're sure the relationship is stable. It's true you can't been perfect but you don't want to continue to be less than standard at the house chores either. Perhaps you can get a big calender and write down the chores like Tuesday's laundry day etc, figure out who does what. If I were you I wouldn't text him unless it's something important. You didn't mention you fight but I want to add, it's important to learn how to fight fairly.

Another thing I want to mention is, a person changes a lot from the age of 16 to 30, even 16- 20. I hope this isn't a sign you're outgrowing one another. Tell him nicely you would like to set a time to talk and identify, the main issues and figure out some solutions.