We met in high school. We are the same age and she was a sweet girl but had a slight rogue side which I liked as I had the same attributes. When she finished her final year high school exams she had a score that allowed her to study at some of the better universities around town. She did not immediately apply for university, she just wanted any old job and to not have a load of commitments. I understood that, as I was an apprentice cabinet maker (not too hard:)) and was doing a trade certificate at the time. We would go to parties, clubs and bars and were enjoying life as late teens early twenties people do. Dabbling in drugs together but I knew this must come to an end at sometime. I landed a great job and was kicking goals in my field and was earning a decent wage. that was when the drugs stopped for me as my goals must come first. I asked her about applying for university as a mature age student at around 22 years old. She was accepted and studied biotechnology full time for 4 years and passed with 1st class honours! It was a grand day for both of us as I supported her financially for 4 years whilst she studied. I also asked her to marry me during this time and she said yes! During her study she had some real issues dealing with the stress of her full time study. I thought she did not want to spend time together as she was always so busy. So I would do the shopping, pay all the bills, cook and maintained the kitchen whilst working 50 hours a week minimum to support us both. We hardly saw each other for a while there even though we lived together. We drifted apart. I took up sport and fishing on the weekends as I had the time and was bored sitting around the house doing nothing on the weekend but chores. I would ask her out to dinner when I thought she had a spare moment but she always declined. I can honestly say I tried to get things working. I don't think we could see that we drifted apart whilst we were so busy. Now her study is all over we cannot rekindle what we had before all this. Also she has not got a job in her chosen career path and went back to the "any old job" and got back into the drugs like the old days. She has not bothered to even try to sort out our relationship and has said she does not want to marry me nor have my children or buy a house together because the commitment scared the shit out of her. She has a real problem communicating to me what is going on in her head and bottles things up then suppresses it with parting and drugs. The most important thing in her life is going to the clubs and staying up for days on end! She would go out on friday and come home on sunday with no sleep. Then I would want to catch up with her and have a night together and she was so ruined from her weekend she could not even have a decent conversation with me. She also started smoking alot of marijuana. She was then always stoned when she was not on anything else. It made it real hard to love her and to communicate openly. I don't know her new friends either that she is recently hanging out with. I know they are a bad influence on her. I am over this scene now and was never really into it to begin with. I don't join her on her clubbing weekends. I only did it when we were young to please her as she loved this scene so much. I really am a goal focused person and was her leaning post through all this. I wanted to be there for her and I wanted the best for both of us. We are now both 28 years old and had split 5 months ago. After many fights, bickering, and alot of bottled up emotions I asked her what is happening to us. She had no answer and said we should go our seperate ways. I moved house and got a new job that was less stressful. After that happened she decided we should get back together and that she had made a mistake. I can't get her away from the drug and party scene though and it is really affecting our relationship working. I want this to work sooo bad I don't want to throw all this in the bin and start again. She says she loves me but doesn't show it like she used to. I really don't know what to do?


Hi juddster - sorry you're going through this. I'll be honest with you - I don't think you should accept her back in your life, unless she gives up drugs completely and then see how you both feel. She behaved more like a rebellious teenager and you were like the parent. A real partner shouldn't go away for days partying with friends. Its also not normal to stay up for days and she should look into why she behaves this way.

As you've seen she can disregard how you feel and throw away the relationship...therefore you don't want this to happen again. Be wary that she might just want a better place to live and be taken care of. She needs to be stable first and then evaluate whether there's a future in this relationship. You deserve the same stability you can offer her. Make a wise decision and I wish you well.

I am sorry you are hurting. I agree with Bella, you need to put your foot down and say "it's either me/us or the drugs/partying". She can't have both, it's not fair to you. I lost a great relationship because of my drug addiction. I would hate to see you go through the same if it can be prevented early on.

I am a addict and giving up drugs once your addicted isnt easy. She is using drugs to cope with life right now she isnt going to be a healthy partner she still love you but she loves drugs more she needs to hit her rock bottom to want treatment. You are enabling her by paying her bills and possibly being the the cause of her death if she overdoses. If you really love her let her fall on her face so she can see how bad it really has got.