My wife and I married this year but have been together for 10 years. She was my first true girlfriend. However, throughout the relationship we broke up several times because I was unsure whether this was what I wanted. Breakups were never for more than a few days. During those times I would get depressed and convince myself that I made the wrong decision.

I always had fantasies about other women during sex and was always distracted by the attractiveness of other women. On several occasions I became emotionally attached to other women but never acted on the urges until recently.

I employed a female for temporary work for several months with an age difference of 9 years. When she left I became depressed and began emailing her daily to maintain contact. I realized that when she worked for me and when I corresponded with her my depression and personal life were easier to deal with. Now married, my happiness relied on contact with her. Sometimes she would even visit me; these were the best days.

I decided to pour my heart out to her in an email about how I was conflicted caring for two women but felt honesty was the best approach. She replied back stating that the feelings were one-sided and that I should not contact her until my issues were sorted out. I became severely depressed, contemplating suicide, so I began therapy and was started on SSRIs. Now my anxiety has reduced but I still need contact with her. I recently emailed her asking how I could regain her trust. I haven't had a response. This is when the depression is the worst.

I feel like an obsessed fool yet am unwilling to stop trying until I get an in-person explanation or am told outright to stop. I don't know whether I'll stay married or not either. My happiness seems to revolve less around depression and more around wanting to love someone.

Please help! You can ridicule me if you want too.


Answers




I am by no means an expert, but here are my thoughts...

I think you need to see someone and maybe get some meds or therepy for depression. Much of what you are feeling about this other girl is common, but the extreme depression and thoughts of suicide is not.

Have you told your wife about any of this or does she know of your depression?





Based on your post, my hunch is that you are sensitive to rejection. I'm like that too. When I get into relationships, I go into "entertainer mode" because that helps me keep my anxiety at bay (because it gives me some assurance that I won't be neglected). Eventually, I lose touch with myself and my feelings and start looking for intimacy elsewhere. When I find it, I latch onto it, but that intimacy soon goes away when I form a new attachment to the second person. And the cycle repeats. I call these relationships parasitic because they feed and depend on there being another relationship (in this case, a marriage). Maybe this is going on with you too.

Maybe, on the other hand, you can't connect with your wife and are not satisfied for other reasons. Maybe she's boring to you, or maybe she doesn't connect to you.

Your job right now is to sort through this stuff and decide how YOU are contributing to this dilemma, and how SHE (your wife) may be contributing to it. The extramarital relationship is only going to screw this appraisal up. This situation needs to be analyzed with patience and with sincerity, and having another woman pulling on your crotch (metaphorically, or maybe not) will cloud your judgment and complicate your feelings about your wife which is the first thing you need to address. If you don't ask these questions now, you'll ask them down the line when this new relationship with the coworkers runs into turbulence, and then you'll be really fucked (only metaphorically).

So, my advice would be to stop emailing the girl and focus on your relationship, where it is, and why it's there. You need to decide why your relationship is boring you and not satisfying you. Is it her, or is it you? Or is it the both of you? Do you know how to communicate? Can you have fun? Can you be yourself? Do you feel like you're in a trap? Is she doing things that make you unhappy? Are there things she can change? Why do you need female attention? How is that attention driving your better judgment?

Once you figure out how you really feel about your wife and your relationship, then make a decision to either be an awesome husband, cut out the flirting, deal with your issues, and work on your relationship, or leave your wife responsibly. Don't cheat -- it's dirty.

Best,

Edahn





I can give you an important piece of advice concerning the other woman: DO NOT CONTACT HER AGAIN. Seriously, you are acting like a stalker. She already told you that she doesn't have feelings for you, romantic or otherwise, and you should respect her wishes; she does not need to give you any further explanation. You have made her very uncomfortable already. She has not contacted you since, so TAKE A HINT. You are only going to get your self in trouble if you don't stop focusing on her, and start focusing on the real problem - your mental state and your marriage.

I can't give you any advice as far as your relationship with your wife is concerned, you are going to have to sort that out between the two of you. It is human nature to be attracted to other women, and you have done well to not act on those feelings thus far - that's fulfilling the vow you made to your wife when you got married. If you still love your wife, consider couples therapy. Continue to take your meds, stick with therapy, and focus on the attainable instead of chasing a fantasy that doesn't want to be chased.





You are talking about asking her for trust and she hasnt replied?

Sorry to say, she probably never will again.

I would stay with what I have and seek counseling for that, and the thinking of others issues.

Best,

Clyde





I would not wish your suffering on anyone. Not too long ago, I heard a great definition of codependency: "When you're in you want out; when you're out you want in." Look up Codependents Anonymous (for one example) on the Web for meetings in your area. Another option is SLAA - Sex/Love Addicts Anonymous. This program is good for the addiction to the drama and intensity of romance.

As for your employee, she owes you no explanation. You are a married person who wants to use her presence as a drug. She is right and healthy not to participate in that. You are frightening her and the only way to regain her trust is to honor her request not to contact her until your issues are worked out. Chances are, once you turn toward the wounds you need to deal with, you won't feel the need to contact her. Eventually, you'll run into her when you're healthy and be able to thank her for her part in that.





I also think you may be bored of your relationship with your wife. That is why you're seemingly obsessed with another. Its not your fault that you're attracted to another women, but I do think you should try really hard to get over it. If she doesnt like you, you're not missing out on anything anyway.

And I know exactly what you mean Edhan. I unfortunately have a vice where as soon as the romance is gone, I tend to want to move on.