I have been dating my boyfriend (Alex) for almost 3 years now and am wanting to act on alot of my behavior and fix them if possible. I cant afford a therapist (being a 21yr old college student) so I am praying I can get help from this site. Ever since we started seeing eachother I don't ever want him to kiss me. I don't want him to touch me playfully. (ie grabbing my butt or holding my waste) I dont ever want his hands in any sexual area. This confuses me because we have had sex before and I have tried to figure out why I act the way I do when he tries to kiss or touch me. I feel awful because I know he feels like I'm rejecting him and its pathetic that a boyfriend of 3 years has to ask permission for even just a peck on the lips. For some reason I literally freak out when he touches or kisses. I immediately twist away subconsciously and get angry!! I am shutting him down so horribly and have even gone to the extent of no longer wanting to have sex with him. He has to ask "Can I try to arouse you tonight?" And I feel awful because he tries so hard to make me happy and just cant.

I don't know if some of the issues he and I have with sex could lead to this or not. He has a larger penis that can hurt alot of times for me. He also ejaculates within 10 thrusts. I have a crooked pelvis or something that makes the inside of my vagina crooked and that doesn't help with the pain during sex either because if he penetrates at even the slightest wrong angle it can hurt me.

We ended up together because I was evicted from my apartment and laid off from my job and he offered me a place to live until I was back on my feet. (in his spare room in the house he inhereted) His whole family thought I was using him. He ended up taking me out on this big extravagant date for my birthday 2 months after I moved in and asked me out.

He used to be very romantic but isnt at all anymore and I don't know if it's him to blame or me. Him because he is no longer romantic and doesn't try to put me in the mood, or me because I snap when he touches me wrong. I don't understand it because I love hugging him so much. I could hug him for hours. I feel that the way I'm acting is slowly steering him away. I couldn't imagine losing him. I want to fix this issue for him. Especially since he is so. . . for lack of better words, turned on by me. I simply walk past him in the kitchen and he says Im beautiful or just wants to simply touch my waste.

I want to find a therapist i could afford to help me with all of these issues but don't think it's possible. So please help me the best you can so I don't lose him because he thinks I'm not satisfied with him.


Answers




Hi

most colleges have psychotherapy services available to students at low cost so I would suggest you ask about that.

Avoiding painful sex is understandable, but the other reactions seem to be out of place and so it probably is a good idea to try to find out what is causing you to react this way

I am not surprised that your boyfriend isnt being romantic as his feeling rejected by you may be causing that. He is probably very confused and nervous that he may do or say the wrong things and have you react negatively.

Have the two of you tried doing relaxing and romantic things together that may help ease the tension?





Miss earthchild, my hearts goes out to you. Someone who you wanted --and needed?-- to help and protect you is using you.

I'm sorry but either he steps back away from the physical contact ALL of it (no sex!) or you need to find another place to live. You need to heal from something, and it won't happen with the situation you are in right now. If he can be "just friends" that would be wonderful. But don't be surprised if you find he operates with the little head instead. :( Just because he's your boyfriend gives him no right to touch or insist on anything about you. That is still your control, your body, and he needs to respect you and that control. (If he insists, then you can turn it about and say if he insists on your body, then you can insist on having control of his and you say no sex. hehehe)

Yes, seek therapy. You'll need the ongoing support to work through whatever issues you have, that are really raising their heads in your life right now.

Ask for help IRL. If that's the counselor at college, the minister at the church, your favorite instructor, someone on a hotline, the social worker at the nearby hospital (they often have resources for you, and don't charge for helping to find one) then use them!

It's a tough time in the world financially, but there are still some psychologists (and other therapists) that are taking some "pro bono" cases. That means they don't charge. You can ask for referrals from the counselor or social worker, and then begin calling and asking if they can give you any free sessions (until you figure out what therapy you need) or even a reduced rate. I think you'll be surprised at how many therapists really are in it to help others, and while they need to make a living so they can help others, they try to help in this way too.

It's always a good time to start over, especially when you realize the situation you are in isn't in your own best interest.

TC





Hi - one thing that I realised after reading your question is that there is one thing not stated - love. Functional sex, whilst providing relief at the time for either or both parties can be not wanted if it becomes a regular thing, without feeling. Of course some people can enjoy sex without love if that is the way they are made, or have a high libido; but for a lot of people including men, it has to be more than just physical. To offer my perspective, myself and my partner are apart a lot due to careers, when we get together after being apart, we are both feeling horny and want to have sex - plain and simple. But after being back together a few days and getting close again, sex the next time is different; usually with a more romantic build-up over a longer period. I think when two people love each other sex seems to come naturally. I would suggest that the reason you find sex painful is perhaps not so much the size of your boyfriend's penis, but more from the fact that you are not relaxed and also feeling sex is more of a duty or payment of sorts? Probably you do not really want to have sex, but you are forcing yourself to have it.

From your boyfriends point of view, I would think that he is in a position where he does not understand what he has to do to get things right. Unfortunately I would suspect he is only thinking of the physical aspect - he probably asks 'how the land lies' before making a move because he does not want to waste time in being romantic only to find that he is rejected. This may not be because he does not love you, but for men when feeling horny, it can make them act selfishly. Only you can answer the question if he really loves you. I'm not making excuses for men acting this way or agreeing with it, Im only offering an explanation.

I would agree with the previous writer, that if he is only using you, you need to move on.

Do you think that you enjoy hugging him so much because what you really need is a loving relationship with lots of touching and closeness, but in reality you are not receiving it? Being close is not just about physical contact but about being thoughtful to one another, mindful of each others feelings and considerate - in my opinion. Are you in that position or is it a position that you would rather be in?

If you are in a relationship where there is love on both sides, then perhaps a therapist could help retrieve the situation? Perhaps you may have other issues regarding sex, but I think without knowing any history it is difficult to offer an opinion, and perhaps a therapist may be able to help in this area also. I suppose you could also offer chunks of information through this site to see what responses you get; but usually a whole picture is required to get a full perspective that would offer constructive advice. Why not try some more in depth questions? Sometimes just writing in depth may help you realise some answers yourself without even posting them on the site?

I hope things improve for you and you can find a way forward.





Thats just it I know I should love him and I think I do but I also feel like I have NO feelings toward anything. I feel like I never cry I never laugh I never get mad anything. I know it would upset me to lose him because I know he loves me and would always be good to me





I agree with Chemar and I don't think your boyfriend is using you at all!!! I truly think this is a combination of a physical problem, which has become entwined emotionally. I agree with Chemar, your boyfriend has stopped being romantic because he's feeling rejected and unsure about himself. I think he's being very considerate by asking you, if you're in the mood for sex. I don't think he's trying to hurt you physically. I also don't think we can judge whether 'love' is missing from the equation. Many people can have enjoyable sex without pain, even when they're not "in love"(although it's preferable). I truly think, it's a physical problem, which has evolved into sexual anxiety because of the physical pain.

I think you need to see a gynecologist - I agree you may have a 'tipped uterus'. You might also want to look up 'vaginismus'. I think you're backing away from him casually touching you, to avoid sex because its painful. I don't feel you have an underlying psychological problem - sexual abuse etc. A gynecologist would be able to figure out what you need to do physically, to make sex more enjoyable. It may be you simply need more lubrication and longer foreplay or you might need to be in control - such as being on top etc. Once you take care of the physical reasons you can learn how to relax - and this will make you feel better psychologically.

I don't feel you need to break up with your boyfriend at all. I think from what you say, he's being very patient and considerate. Please for your sake, visit your gynecologist - don't be embarrassed. Don't feel you need to break up with him.





yes I must say that nowhere in your post do I see any suggestion that your boyfriend is "using" you, or forcing sex on you, or not treating you well?? unless I am missing something.

I agree with Bella's observation that you may be reacting to even his affection because you associate it with the pain you experience during intercourse.

Have you been able to talk with him about the pain and to maybe try to experiment with ways to still enjoy each other sexually without the type of penetration that causes you pain?





yes we are very very open with eachother and tell eachother everything. I tell him when it hurts and we have to stop and he stops right then. He doesnt try longer. He has never used me at all I have been used/cheated on by every bfexcept him.

Thank you so much for responding





What if you agree to no sex for a month/few months/year? Then see if you can still be romantic/touchy-feely... or if your aversion isn't related to sex at all..





We haven't had sex in a little over a year now. But I also feel horrible because I should atleast be able to kiss him goodnight. Even jut a peck, but I can't and I feel awful for him because he would even be just happy with his hand on my back and I freak :( I want to break up with him just so he don't have to deal with my shit and can find a better girl.





Have you ever been abused in the past. I still recommend visiting your doctor and get a complete physical including blood tests and an internal exam. You might be mildly depressed with anxiety along with some gynecology issues. You can find a solution to this. It's sounds like you have a nice man, so it's worth it to find a solution. Best of luck.





I have never been abused really before. I was struck once by a boyfriend when I used to be extremely passive and said it could never happen again and he said it wouldn't. 2 months later he did it again and I walked out and never talked to him again. I had another incident with a boyfriend that cheated on me and played daily head games with me to twist me down to his level so he could keep control. Since the day I finally worked up the courage to leave him (although it only took 9 months) I have been the most headstrong girl anyone could ever meet now.

So nothing "bad" persay has happened to me sexually. Me and my female cousin were almost raped by agroup of college guys when we were 15 but we got away. That hasn't really affected me at all I just don't go walking in the dark anymore without my dogs.

Also I have gone in to a gyno and was told that I do have a protruding bone in my pelvis that shouldn't be there and that can make it alittle more touchy but shouldn't be painful enough for me to not want intercourse.





You said that you don't feel anything, but obviously you do because you are responding to your problem. It is not making you very happy and you are concerned over your boyfriends feelings too, not just the fact you are not having sex.

Perhaps you are closing off from your feelings in general because of other issues and if you have a boyfriend that is obviously patient and understanding, he is worth keeping. It sounds to me that you can also trust him?

If you have several issues that you think may be affecting the way you feel, try to break it up into manageable pieces otherwise the whole thing will get you down and may seem unsurmountable. Just try to understand one thing at a time. Yes you may have a physical problem - just getting that sorted first may help with other problems that you may be experiencing.

You may have a problem with men in general because of something that has happened in the past?

Do you have a problem with trust because of the way you have been treated by other people?

I don't think you should put yourself down by thinking that he could "find a better girl". You recognise that you have a problem and you are trying to do something about it, which is commendable. Your boyfriend obviously has feelings for you and can see things in you that he likes, he is there for you, so you can't be all that bad a person can you!

Deal with one bit at a time, one step at a time, thats how you can move forward. Consider all the things that can be making you feel like this, but do not try to tackle them all in one go.

I get the impression that your boyfriend can also offer you support as you work your way through; sharing your problem will also help him understand, he may also feel priviliged by the fact that you trust him so and would like his help.

It may also bring you closer together.





We definetly are both very honest with eachother about everything but one thing that may not help is that I am VERY headstrong, I never back down. I think it is because I used to be the complete opposite and people could walk all over me and I was cheated on by every boyfriend except for the one I'm with now. I think the fact that I've never not been cheated on before makes it hard for me to let myself get close to him. Almost like when I really feel in love with him I pick an arguement over something stupid to make myself upset. I don't know if I'm just making things up in my head or if that's really what I'm doing. I know i should be able to trust him but also makes it hard with his history also. He had never had a girlfriend before me and used to always tell me he felt trapped. He told me when we first met that all he wanted from girls is sex and no attachments at all. He works at the same bar still and all the girls remember this and found out that we don't have sex so they taunt him. I guess with that I don't necessarily think its him I cant trust it's the girls. But now he tells me that I was sent to him by God to change his views on life. He says I have completey changed his thought on women, family, the earth:) and just life in general. We have actually grown very close while not having sex and just discussing the issue but he also still cant help to not feel rejacted.

To get to your other point as well nothing "bad" persay has happened to me sexually. Me and my female cousin were almost raped by agroup of college guys when we were 15 but we got away. That hasn't really affected me at all I just don't go walking in the dark anymore without my dogs.

Also I have gone in to a gyno and was told that I do have a protruding bone in my pelvis that shouldn't be there and that can make it alittle more touchy but shouldn't be painful enough for me to not want intercourse.

I also have insomnia which my doctor thinks could be "self induced". Which how I understand it is that she's saying that I am kept awake from letting my thoughts be overactive about everything. I have extreme anxiety which may be the culprit?? My family says I don't have depression but in the back of my mind I have always wondered if I may have slight depression issues. I just don't want to talk to a doctor about it because I honestly don't want to believe that I have depression issues. and what I mean by I don't feel anything is that when someone gets hurt I don't feel affected. When someone says "I love you" to me, whether it be my mother or my boyfriend, I never feel like Its real or that I understand love enough to REALLY say it back and mean it. moreso just to not make them feel bad. Also for example I got fired for a job and blamed for something another worker did and lost my apartment and had no place to live and had 2 horses and a dog to support and it didn't affect me at all! That just seems like it should have stressed me out a bit but major things like that dont at all.

P.S. thank you for your response. It made me smile, which I feel like I haven't done in months. It felt like a 20 lb weight being lifted off of my chest just by reading it. Thank you again





Thankyou for your P.S. at the end of your reply, today of all days I appreciated your comment. I was told today that my employer really doesn't care if I work for him or not, he doesn't really want me there - I am a director and have built the company up over the last 8 years and dedicated a substantial part of my life to ensure success of the business, working in excess of 50hrs/week with very few holidays, just a few days here and there. Without my job my home is at risk very quickly. I too like animals, my partner has horses, cats and dogs, but I have recently had to have my dog put to sleep, she was 19yrs old; strange thing is I see her from time to time lying on the sofa or lying in front of the window - just for a few seconds at a time; I know its probably just because I am "expecting" to see her as I had her for so long.

I wish I could have part of your personality at the moment, to be able to not get stressed out at the thought of having to find another job to ensure that I keep our home - you see thats another plus point that you have, to be able to handle major issues without getting stressed.

After a real shit day I was uplifted by the fact that I made you smile, and that you liked my response. Thankyou :)





Well to add my own two cents to that. OBVIOUSLY your employer is braindead and will regret it when you are gone. The company might not fall apart immediately but it sure sounds like it will slowly begin to crumble without you there. And yes at times it is very nice to never be stressed out. I get depressed at times, or maybe lonely is what it is, but never really stressed. Even in times of dealing with raging angry people at my job I never really get upset. They probably think I'm crazy :) Screaming at me at the top of there lungs and I have no change of expression. I think it's because I know that getting worked up wont help me it will only hurt me. I just think to myself "I am only human and God made us in such a way that we make mistakes, so there must be reason for it" I must say though people get pretty angry when you ask them if they really have a good reason to be screaming. lol

Well thank you again.

I have another question that I posted also if you would like to put an opinion on that. I think I titled it: please help me not run away from my boyfriend. It's in "General"





I know that you posted this a long time ago but I am having the exact same issue with my boyfriend and I have the same uneven hip. Did you ever find a solution?





Hi Danielle - why don't you post a new question on the Q&A here, and we can provide some answers for you? I think it has been a while since Miss Earth Child has visited these pages.

Hope to hear from you!