My fiance and I are in the army and have been here in Iraq for several months, and have literally spent all of our time together. We worked the same shift in the same building and live near each other, but because we are not married we dint live together. Recently our boss had been giving me a hard time, but I confronted him and got out of the bogus accusations he had been throwing at me. He then moved on to her, intentionally giving her such a hard time that she would leave work crying everyday. His boss found out and moved her from our company, only to find out later that it was because our boss had a thing for her, but nothing happened to him! She had a bad case of depression, and anxiety issues, no self esteem, or confidence, and was paranoid that everone was trying to hurt her (even me!). It has been a while since that happened, she is happier now and life seems to be on the right path for her. The problem is that I am not really a part of her life anymore because she now works an opposite shift (which she chose). Instead I go see her if anything. We dont see eachother, talk, or know eachother physically anymore because there isn't much time, but she also makes no effort. Am I fooling myself? Did things end a long time ago, or is it all just the stresses of Iraq, hostile and high-stress work environments? We are, or at least were, greatly in love...and now I am lost, and I fear that our relationship may be lost as well. I am in total distress, help...


Answers




Firstly, be safe in Iraq. God Bless you.

Secondly, do you feel that it is all her? That she is worried about how others would feel? I feel, from what you are saying, (and of course, there are two sides to every story) that she is stressed out from Iraq, the hostile, sexually harassing (somewhat from others) and high-stress environment.

Could you talk to her about it a little? Ask her what the issues are? Is it possible she is just worn out and wants to take some time off from the relationship?

Could she also just be worn out and not have anything to do with you and the relationship--just tired overall?

Have you all dealt with the bosses issues with the two of you?

Best, and thank you.

Clyde





We did both deal with the bosses issues, and it was a tough situation to get through. It was a lot harder on her than it was on me. I think that our boss got the attitude of "if I cant have you I'll destroy you." I was with her the entire time though, helped her through everything. It seems to me like I was her guiding light in hard times, but now that those times have past she doesn't need me around anymore...

I have tried to talk to her, and she gets really defensive right off the bat. I don't know if she is trying to distance herself, if she is hiding something, or if she is still dealing with the constant fear of people being out to get her. Assuming that she doesn't get defensive immediately, she will tell me that it is dumb that I have these concerns for her/us, or she'll blame me like I have done something wrongs for being concerned. She'll tell me why things are the way they are, but not offer a suggestion on how to fix them, or even try to fix them. I know that there are two sides to this story, and right now you only have mine, but that is all i have too.





(((Adam)))

It does sound to me like she is pushing you away some. Perhaps, like you said, with all the problems there, she is worried about being hurt any more?

Is it possible to slow your relationship with her down a little, but still be a friend to her until it would blow over? I am sure that isn't what you want to hear, but it may be about the only way "around" the problem.

It does seem to me that she is so worried about the stuff with the bosses, how things are perceived--she might even have been told not to be around you much--it could be many different things.

Maybe the whole thing about it being "dumb" that you have concerns--perhaps she doesn't have as much time, as you mentioned, add the war to it, and add the problems with the bosses, and you have a horrendous problem.

You all are under stress so much there anyways, I can understand a teeny bit why you all feel so stressed out.

I hope things work out.

Best,

Clyde





Have you tried talking to the Chaplain about your concerns? The Chaplain will keep your issues private and help you sort things out.

Women deployed have a different issues than men. There's a very high incident of sexual assault and sexual harassment that women in military must deal with. Then there's also the shame and guilt others hold over women if she is seen alone with a man . . . the fraternization is discouraged.

I think compassion and understanding is the only way you can support her. Tell her you are there for her if she ever needs you. If she loves you, she will eventually confide in you what's bothering her. But you can't push her or she'll won't trust you. Fighting for her means being supportive to her needs. You'll have to put all your needs aside until she begins to trust you wholeheartedly. It's a lot of patience. But that's what love is all about.