I started dating my boyfriend almost 6 months ago. We got into things by flirting pretty intensely online (we'd been friends for years and had kept in touch through the internet) and then agreeing to a date which went positively perfectly- best date of my life, and he agreed that even though we live apart we should give a relationship a shot.

Things seemed great. We missed each other when we were away and sent fun letters and emails, saucy messages, the works. When together, we had a good time and outstanding sex. Everything was wonderful and I felt like nothing could go wrong.

Then, he came to visit about a week ago and it all fell apart. He said he was feeling distant and anxious, like the time we spend apart is too much for him to deal with. He says he feels sometimes like he's unhappy with the way our relationship works, and that he even has been slipping into moods where he loves me the same but suddenly feels less physically attracted to me- like the distance is making me less sexually appealing somehow?
He claims, after a lengthy discussion, that he is happier to be with me than he would be without, and he doesn't want to break up with me. But he also keeps saying things like "I just don't feel very flirty anymore" and "I'm not sure how things are going to be in a week but they're okay today". I'm beginning to think this on and off behavior is not going to stop, but because things were so amazing to being with now I am very much in love and hoping to find SOME way of working through this. Anyone have advice, or have gone through this type of thing before? Or better yet, has anyone FELT like he does, where everything else is perfect but suddenly you just aren't feeling so hot for your significant other as you used to be?
I'm really confused and don't know quite how to feel, and it's taking a serious toll on my self esteem.


Answers




Xpress,

Sorry to hear...it does sound like he is very hot and cold about it. Perhaps he is worried about commitment, at least the moving in part, because he might worry that it is going to fast.

You may want to discuss with him why he feels "cool" to the relationship sometimes. It could just be very well that he does feel "forced" sometimes and might be just afraid to say it to you because he wouldnt want to hurt your feelings.

He may also be having some issues of his own. Let him know that you are there to talk to, if he wants to do so, and support him in his feelings as long as it doesnt hurt you or your own feelings too much.

Best wishes,

Clyde





oh honey you don't need this. please please listen to me and just tell him to go away. he wants the long distance because he wants sex once in a while. he is going to get you in deeper and hurt you. please please help yourself and get over it now. maybe wait until after the holidays if that is easier.

but you need someone who gives you ALL of him - not HALF - and only sometimes!





Try talking to him first and see what he says. You will know if he is being honest. If he is not leave and move on I will be hard at first and then try to habg out with friends. After a break up I always tried to look better to for myself by working out and trying new make up trends. Trying something new always helps





I've felt like he does. Right now my fiance/boyfriend is an hour in a half away. he is 23 and still lives at home. It's very diffacult living this way. I love him to death, but when he goes it's hard to let him go becuase it tears me apart! I'm very hot and cold about our relationshp because I wanna spend more time with him.

It's not really you in this situation, I think it's more he's confused.

With my situation, it's more, I hate how he chooses his mom over me, but I can't do anythinga bout it, it takes a toll on me too feeling like I'm not good enough, but when I see him it's amazing and we've been together 5 months now





I have been in this situation and felt like your boyfriend. It is very hard to have a long distance relationship. When I started my relationship we went to two different schools an hour apart and I had a car and he didnt. It was long weekends and summers that were amazing and perfect. Then it was us getting busy and not seeing each other and texting all the time. We would never talk on the phone or have emotional conversations. What I realized with feeling this way was we needed to do more together as talking on the phone here and there, getting a webcam, and planning out long weekends every other week if possible, but most important is I realized I needed to keep myself busy so I didnt think about missing him so much but also I'd rather have him in my life (even if I had to compromise) than not have him in my life at all. We have been together now for over 3 years. We still don't live in the same city but are about to take the next step to move in together. It has been a struggle and we had to work on it together but we realized we were more important to be in each others lives than seeing eachother every single day or week. Its the little things you have to give up for a while to get the best thing in the end...him!





I know its not the upfront honest thing to do but maybe if u tried turning the tables on him for a week or so, try not to answer or respond for a longer amt of time than u usually do, when u do talk to him act as tho evetythings going good for u and that ur really busy. I know that when my bf and I first got together I felt the same way, but he then became clingy and accusatory which turned me off to where I was backing off..seems to work the same way towards him because he becomes distant when I become too insecure about wjere we stand.