well, when i was born premature, my mother died and my dad who didn't want me ran away.

I went to my Grandmother and my Grandpa by marriage.

I was really close with my grandpa. We would play video games, have tea parties, he would carry me around...and put me to sleep at night.

Every night I would beg him to stay so I wouldn't have to go to sleep...I loved staying awake. But eventually he would leave the room and I would have to go to sleep. But some questioning things have happened.

At four years old I was masturbating. I did this at home and at school. My mom always hit me for it.

I once heard a loud noise in the bathroom...something had fallen. My parents wer in there fixing something...I charged in there in a state of panic. I paused in the door way and I couldn't move, blink or breathe out of so much fear. mother was screaming..."what is it!! whats wrong!" When i could breathe i uttered the response..."I thought you were dead." and left the room.

I remember being afraid of one room...the pink "Angel room" I had nightmares of monsters in there.

after the divorce when i was six years old...I was very angry and thought I hated him.

I recieved two cats. In a fit of rage, I through them around and pulled their tails until they popped and hung limply. Afraid, and ashamed...i collapsed on the floor crying and begged them to forgive me.

Later when visiting him at his house when i was ten, he was taking care of a little dog. When my dad fell asleep...i went into the kitchen with the dog took off my pants and knelt down...and i let the dog lick me down there.

so, i'm wondering if something happened. any info would be helpful. and also, do you know of any free websites to talk to a councelor on maybe. instant messaging preferred...thanks.


Murasaki, usually when a person has questions like you do, there may have been some event that is still troubling him. It doesn't mean there was abuse, but something that affected you negatively in a big way. Your relating of such "acting out" stories does seem to point that way.

Remember that no one remembers everything correctly. While your suspicions and basic recall can be accurate, the details might not be. The brain does that to memories.

I think your reasons for wanting to know could be a good starting point. Do you think your behavior still revolves around a possible event (such as sexual inhibitions, or dislike cats still?) Do you feel like less of a person, or an unworthy person because of what you think happened? How would you feel if you figured out that something did happen to you back then?

It would depend upon where you live as to whether there are local help. Other than such sites like Psych Central, I don't know of free assistance. Perhaps someone else does.

Best Wishes


Hi there Muraski,

I agree with Jean, it is indeed true that there may be some kind of event that happened before. However, it doesnt mean it is abuse, either.

We don't always recall things the way they are, sometimes we add our own little twists and ties to things. Not saying you don't recall things correctly, just saying sometimes it changes.

It does indeed, as Jean said, depend on where you live for help. There are internet sites, but there are not any free that I know of as you mentioned. They usually have you pay so much.

There are places, though, like Psych Central, where you can come in and discuss things like this with others who have been in the same kind of situation.