I started dating this guy a few weeks ago (three as of tomorrow but who's counting) but I'm finding it really difficult. I mean at first I was so happy and I know I do like him and care about him, but somethings still bothering me. I don't know if it has to do with an incident that happened nearly two years ago when an acquaintance of mine sexually assault me. I think it might have to do with that.

I know for a fact my boyfriend would never be like this guy, he's just very sweet and kind, but I don't even know how to describe how I'm feeling. I keep thinking that the memory... what that guy did has ruined me. It's been almost two years, but it's still affecting my relationship now.

My boyfriend knows what happened, but we've never really talked about it in detail or anything. Sometimes I wonder how he feels about it... or if he sees me differently since I told him. I get weird like thinking he won't want to date me anymore and I don't like that, but then there are sometimes when I don't know if the whole relationship is worth it. I'm so confused. Does anyone have any advice for me? I really like this guy and I don't want us to have to break up because of something in my past.

Thank you.


Hi there...

You are very courageous...I would definitely talk to him in detail about it. It is part of his relationship too, right? And if you feel that he would never hurt or harm you, and that he cares about you as well--you definitely need to discuss it with him.

If not, there will always be that discourse between the two of you, and he and you will feel that you cannot tell everything. That is not a good way to start a relationship.

Let him know more, talk to him about it. If you are too uncomfortable about somethings, there are things you dont have to discuss, but without getting it out, are you getting anywhere?



From personal experience, I can relate to your boyfriend. I dated a girl for almost two years who was assaulted by her last boyfriend and thought that it would make a difference in our relationship too. When she finally came out to me about it, I wasn't upset about it in the least. If anything, it brought us closer because I wanted to help her overcome it and I believe that I did just that. Our relationship ended because she had to move about 4 states away with her parents so we didn't get to see each other anymore but if I were you, I would definitely talk to him about it and tell him your fears. The outcome might surprise you.


As a psychotherapist, who is also a certified clinical sexologist(sex therapist), I have worked with many women (and men) who have been sexually abused, wither it be as a child or an adult, and I can tell you that it usually has a negative impact on a person's ability to trust others and to enjoy sex. I am just going to cut to the chase and suggest that you seek professional help. There are several highly effective interventions for healing trauma, among the quickest are EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization, and Reprocessing), hypnosis, and Energy Therapy (EFT, TFT). If you goggle these you can get information on how they work. EMDR.COM will also give you information as well as therapists in your area that are trained. There are many other effective effective therapies, but tradionally they take longer, and of course will end up costing you more. Any licensed therapist able to provide therapy for you and (if you have insurance, it will cover these for you)if they have been trained.

Best of luck, and have a great LIFE!!!


Hi there!

I was sexually assaulted several years ago and it definitely affected my relationships negatively for a long time. However, I've learned a lot over the years and am now in a successful long-term relationship. I think it's good that you told your boyfriend what happened because it gives him the chance to understand and trust you. If you kept it from him, I believe it would have caused so many more problems. My boyfriend is caring and understanding about the incident and its impact on my life, but he doesn't want to know details because it makes him upset that I went through that. I respect this and don't give him the gory details. Ultimately, it was (and is, though it doesn't affect me NEARLY as much as it used to) my problem to deal with, not his. So I try to work it out with my therapist mostly. If this guy is right for you, he will be supportive and patient with you through the healing process. A relationship is supposed to make your life better, and if he gets in the way of your recovery, well, then probably he is not the guy for you. Good luck!

I know exactly how you feel for I have been there before. First you NEED to talk to him honestly about this and ask him how he really feels. You might be really surprised. Tell him you need to talk things a little slow, and definatly seek a therapist or a rape crisis group for strength. Being around people who have survived similar situations will empower you and help you thru this alkwardness. But first have a heat to heart talk with him and give him the benefit of the doubt. YOu might be surprised that he might like you more for your honesty and braveness. Good luck