I am dysthymic, low-self esteem, have a negative attitude and a bad communicator. I've been this way for nearly two decades. I reflect that on my husband, whom I put down all the time (subtly and I'm not aware that I am doing it) because I am not aware of how I communicate. We fight frequently because of this. He's told me many times over what I do, how it makes him feel and I always say that I didn't mean it, I didn't realize it but it's not enough. I don't mean it, am truly sorry, but can't seem to recognize/change my behavior even though I think I am working on changing. Why can't I change/stop being a horrible person and wife? It's ruining my marriage and will be all my fault. I am currently in therapy, on Wellbutrin XL (150mg) + prozac (5mg), have read tons of self-help books and yet I never progress. I guess this is not really a question but just venting. Thanks.


Also I am so fed up with/angry at/disappointed with/ashamed of myself that lately (the last 6weeks and a couple times in the past) I have been passively suicidal. I think about it, pros+cons, methods, but honestly can't seem to actually see myself doing it, which depresses me more, because living like this, rather not really living, just existing, sucks. Every time we fight or when I feel down, I immediately start thinking about ending my life because I've been like this for as long as I can remember and see no way out. Thanks for listening.

Hm. Is seems like you're motivated to change and know what you want to change, but don't have a good tactic. What are you doing right now that's not working? What's your current strategy for dealing with your communication difficulties? Also, could you elaborate a bit on what the problem is? Where does the problem come from, in your opinion?

Wow. I often find myself thinking the same thing. I love my significant other with all my heart and truly respect him, but when it comes to any disagreement, i am cold, selfish and fail to communicate. and i dont even realize this until he tells me and a little while after. I wander what is wrong with me, how can i treat the one i love this way, i come across so selfish when i always thought of myself as self-less, am i selfish? Is there something wrong with me? am i capable of loving someone? i ask myself these questions everyday. It hurts to know the person you love worries you dont.

It does sound like you really do need to decide on what kind of way you can deal with things other than arguing.

Are there different ways to discuss things?



The way to change is to consciously make the decision to stop doing what you are doing, every day. To make yourself aware, while you are arguing, to actually stop the moment you are aware of doing the same old thing. Say to your husband, sorry I'm doing it again aren't I? Then make a decision not to do it anymore. It takes practice to slow down the argument, dissect it later with your therapist if not right away, see where you went the wrong way, and talk to your husband, explaining to him you have just realized you did wrong. Apologize to him and say you will keep trying to do better. Eventually the process becomes easier. It will come to the point where you will be able to recognize what you are doing at the exact moment you are doing it, and you will be able to change your reply or reaction or whatever to him.

It is important to learn to take responsibility for what you say and do. It is important to own up to it. And it is important to say you are sorry as soon as you are aware of it. And you will become a better person and you will like yourself more too. And your husband will love you more also. He will see that you really care about how you treat him.