(Not-so)-quick background before I begin, since I don't know how to work this in to my question: 28 y.o. M, have had a bunch of diagnoses thrown at me over the years -- bipolar I (rapid-cycling) and social anxiety disorder are the most certain ones, maybe PTSD (from some rather sadistic abuse by my parents) too for good measure. (Others that have been haphazardly thrown at me include ADHD, OCPD, Tourette's, Asperger's, various other panic and anxiety disorders, etc.) I'm forever alone -- i.e., never had a girlfriend, only have one person in the entire world I can even remotely talk to about anything 'real', only have a few other tenuous, superficial 'friendships' (which I've come to realize extend no further than them wanting me to drive them places and buy them booze, or at best get drunk with them), and I'm not really on speaking terms with my malignant family. For I guess about 2 years now, since dropping out of college, I've been consistently depressed enough that I haven't had any manic episodes -- just depression punctuated by various unhappy mixed states. I'm a total idiot and complete waste of space, nothing is fun or pleasurable anymore (distracting is the best it gets), and I'm never going to go anywhere with my life. Oh, and I've had a long history of many psychologists betraying me, whether by ratting me out to my abusers (parents) for snitching on them, passing my parents other things I told them in confidence for which my parents would punish me, or just spending a whole meeting beating up on me and telling me my problems are purely my choice to the point that I run home crying and don't get off the floor of my room for a week. So that's where I'm at in my life.

The crushing despair (and my complete inability to function) eventually got bad enough and persistent enough that I actually sought help. A few months ago I finally started seeing a psychiatrist and, despite some initial red flags (that are obvious in hindsight), he talked a good game about sympathizing with me about how other doctors had betrayed my trust. Long story short, I recently fired him for spending 3/4 of our meeting time (seriously, no exaggeration -- 3/4) going on and on about what a great doctor he is, how he's smarter than any computer, how he's stoked that I totally agree with him that he's a genius (when I've not said a word), and aren't those silly f****ts and stupid women just hilarious, and oh let me tell you about the time I played chess against Bobby Fisher for the 20th time. Also, for sending the police to my house to harass me (instead of, you know, contacting me) when I forgot about *one* appointment. So he retaliated by calling the police again, this time with a fabricated story of me threatening suicide, thus compelling them to kidnap me and lock me up against my will for the night.

So here's the problem/question I have. *Nothing* brings me enjoyment in life. I hate myself, and I hate the Sisyphean toil of a meaningless life that can never go anywhere. I think worst of all is I hate being completely alone in life -- and having almost made it to 30 like that, that will certainly never change in the future. And I've seen what seeking help gets me -- still more shame and humiliation at the hands of malefactors beyond accountability, fuel for the fire of my hatred, of myself and of the kind of messed up world where people like that consistently win. I'm rational enough to realize this isn't sustainable, a couple well-placed panic triggers (e.g., a visit from dad) and I easily could become actually suicidal in the future. Not to mention it just plain sucks. So I know I need help. But how am I supposed to do that? Lie my butt off to someone for 4-6 months while I figure out if maybe I might be able to trust them enough to spill my guts eventually? Even then, at this point, I doubt I could actually bring myself to really talk about things honestly. I'm backed into a corner -- either I invite another stab in the back, or I go through the deceitful pantomime of therapy I learned as a kid, which honestly sounds worse than just stewing in my misery alone. What else can I do?


Answers




Hi

sorry to hear of what you have endured.

I am puzzled tho as I do not see how a psychiatrist can call the police on you and have you locked up because you miss an appointment?

As you seem to not have trust for therapists, suggesting you try to find a better one seems futile, although I must say that there are good and caring and trustworthy ones out there.

Perhaps you may want to try our peer support groups here to see if that provides you any help? Just click COMMUNITY at the top right of the page.

I hope you find the help you need.





Thanks for replying, Chemar.

The first time he sent the police, it was for a "mental wellness check" -- this state allows psychiatrists and psychologists to send the police to "check on" patients, apparently under the assumption that this power won't be abused. Then, after I fired him, he claimed I had threatened suicide and therefore was a "danger to self". By law in this state, that compels the police to involuntarily commit me until I can be determined not to be a danger to myself. And unfortunately, the state medical board has informed me that in order to pursue a complaint against him, I have to make my medical records public.

Went over to the community, going to give it a try. Anonymity might help me in this regard.





nothing_clever,

I truly sympathise with you. Trust is very difficult to establish or re-establish once it's gone. Having been down the same road a ways, it finally came to me that I just had to let go of the fear and trust someone to help me. But all said and done, the only one who can really help us is ourselves. I did it by changing what I was thinking. I stopped putting myself down and worked to become my own person answerable to no one but myself. It was a kind of "Enough is enough!" moment. I couldn't take anymore. I wish I had more to offer you. I'm no expert. I use my own experience when replying. Sometimes distancing ourselves from the people who hurt us helps. As does reading some personal development books. We don't have to take everything onboard, just that which helps us - one step at a time.





Thanks for the reply, Roseblue.

I guess to some extent I'm looking for some prodding to "just... let go of the fear and trust someone". Or at least reassurance that, though it may have ended in betrayal 100% of the time for me so far, it's still worth attempting, since it's worked for someone else.

Unfortunately, though, being answerable to myself is a big part of my problem. I'm an extremely harsh critic of myself, and I have such a terrible track record in every regard that 'positive thinking' doesn't pass my internal B.S. detector. Different solutions for different people, I guess.

But you're right -- one step at a time.