I don't know what it is. I've been in this funk lot lately. I can't seem to snap out of it. I feel worthless and stupid. I am not good enough for anyone or anything. I just feel like I shouldn't exist. I feel like if I wasn't here, nobody would notice. Nobody seems to care.

It's been a while since I've really felt this way. I just can't seem to snap out of it. I know I've said that I've been depressed before, but now I really feel it. I feel useless, and like crap, frankly. I don't feel like I am worth anyone's time. I am doing things I normally wouldn't do. I have had urges to do stupid things. And I have done stupid things.

I have no energy. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to talk to anyone, because it takes too much effort. I don't want to explain myself in words because it takes too much effort to speak. All I want to do right now is sleep. And cry. I don't really have any specific reason to cry, I just feel the need to. I think I'm on the verge of a mental breakdown.

I keep having thoughts of suicide. Not that it's any different, but it is in a way. My thoughts of suicide have overthrown my normal abilities. Usually I can store my thoughts of suicide in a place in my brain until I "have time" to think about them. But recently they have just ALWAYS been there. If I'm not completely absorbed in something, I am thinking about how I could kill myself at that instant, and how people would react.

I don't feel like I am serving any purpose on this earth. I don't make anyone happy. I don't make myself happy. I am selfish. I don't care about other people's feelings. I blow people off like it is nothing. I can't do anything right. I'm not smart enough to go to a good college. And even if I were to go to a good college, I wouldn't be smart enough to pursue a career in what I would waste so much time studying.

My sister calls me selfish. My mom yells at me for not doing enough around the house. My best friend calls me a fat ass. My dad just doesn't give a flying f*&%. I just feel like I can't do anything right. I can't even be me.

And now. I feel like I don't exist. I feel invisible. Like nobody gives a flying f*&% if I was here. I seriously feel alone. I don't even know why I am writing this. Maybe in hope that someday, someone will read this and wish they could care. But I know that even if someone did care about me, I would be too blind to see it. Maybe in hope that someday, I can get help, and maybe be happy. But I don't
think that is possible, so what is the point in trying?

*Sigh*. I give up. I can't take it anymore. I'm tired of feeling so depressed. I'm tired of wondering why people that I never talk to are now talking to me on a daily basis. It just seems strange. I'm tired of wanting to cry and not having anywhere to do it. I'm tired of having to pretend like this side of me doesn't exist. I'm tired of trying to ignore this side of me. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of being used. I'm tired of being worthless. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of questioning my existence. I'm tired of feeling like I don't belong. I'm tired of feeling like nobody needs me.

I constantly feel depressed. I constantly think about suicide. I constantly think about how I would do it, and when I would do it.

Now I need to just do it so I can stop thinking about it.


(I've been on Prozac for almost a year and a half, maybe 2 years now, and I still feel like this. Everyday I write something along these lines. I have been hospitalized before for attempted suicide, (I thought I was better so I stopped taking my meds, and tried to kill myself). I don't think I am in a "manic state". I constantly feel like this. To me, this somewhat of a normal thing. I still feel as serious about suicide as ever. I don't need to talk to anyone, I have a social worker already, but it doesn't help, we get nowhere. I don't need to call the suicide hot-line because I know that will just get me into trouble. I don't want to make people sad, but at the same time, I just can't continue on like this. It is really tearing me apart. Part of me wants to check myself into a hospital, but that would cost wayyyyy too much money and put wayyyy too much stress on my mom. And the other part of me is just rolling it's eyes, waiting for me to "snap out of it", even though I've felt this way for about 7 years straight now.)

I don't know what to do. I need help. And fast. But I don't know what else to do. Counseling isn't working. It's too expensive to check myself into a hospital. I can't talk to anyone because then it just makes them worry about me, and so I feel I'm a burden on them. I've tried self-help. I've tried medication (Prozac, welbutrin, zoloft, the whole damn book). But nothing is working. The only other thing I can think of is suicide. But I don't want to be a burden on my mom to make her pay for my funeral. I just want to fall off the face of the earth. Nobody would even notice if I was gone anyways.


Answers




(((Sarah)))

I really do think you may need to go to the hospital. I know you are worried about the money issue, but believe me, it would help you out so much.

Also, check with your counselor and see if you can change your medications. Go with a list to them, and explain why things are not working on these medications. The doctor does not always know for sure beyond a reasonable doubt that the meds will work for you.

They just give you the meds that have helped others who have been in the same situation as you have been.

You are indeed worth it. The money is worthless when it comes to getting the help you need.

Of course talking to people makes them worry about you--and you know that as well, my friend--I mean, you posted it here too, so you do want the help.

Why would calling the suicide hotline get you in trouble?

You seem to be shooting down every possible answer that is there, but you must realize that there are those who do care for you. You would not of made it this far if not--and you must realize to care for YOURSELF most of all.

The heck with the money or the problems brought about by it. You need to seek help as soon as humanely possible for yourself.

You mention that no one cares, but then you also mention you don't want to talk to people so they will care, so it is easy to see you are punishing yourself--but why? You are a good person, with a kind, caring heart, and you deserve to be happy too!

Please check here as well--my friends are quite awesome and can help as well:

http://forums.psychcentral.com/postlist.php?Cat=&Board=depression

Best of luck, and keep talking if you want,

Clyde

PS: There are people out "here" who do care. Believe me.





Although our symptoms today are almost identical, I am with Clyde, that is what the forum is for. I think we are making the biggest step..talking to someone!





if i had all them ppl saying all that bad stuff to me like you"Fam" does you, i'd want ta end it all too. that suckx. that's just them and them ppl don't know to treat u right. later for them. u take care of u. u gotta tell yourself that u matter. cuz they ain't gonna help ya out. u know? get help - get some good peeps around u, things will get better.